it's about 2am
my eyes fly open
i am lying naked on a hotel room bed
with no cover
shivering myself awake

all the sheets have been thrown into the corner
i have nothing to cover myself with
you asked me if i had my period
so they're probably covered in blood

you are a million miles away from me
facing away from me
across the infinite desert of double bed

and you are asleep
and i am completely alone

i can't stay here

i make a list in my head
a list of reasons

1. i am cold and you won't hold me
2. in morning you won't even drive me home, you'll send me to find a taxi
3. i have too much to do tomorrow to waste time in this room

and anyway, i was all dressed up
i can't walk around like that in the morning
and you wouldn't notice anyway
what point to i fulfill in this bed?

so i get up
and start to search in the dark
from my clothes and my stockings
and my jewelry
and i cry every second

deep down where it counts
in places where the unprocessed information sits and waits
i know this is my goodbye
unsaid, unheard

in the days to come
it will occur to me
that this was rape

but tonight all i know
is that i cannot, must not stay

so i wash my face a dozen times

and i'd afraid you'll wake up
and confront me with whys i cannot formulate

and i'm terrified you'll keep pretending
you're not awake
and never ask me to stay

but you keep your eyes tightly shut
though i know
and i open the heavy door
and wait endless moments

everything seems to be moving away from me
far faster than i can see
so i let go
and let it close
and hear you sit up with its locking

and i stand in the corridor
forever
it curves so that i can see only a few doors in either direction
and then i leave

the doorman gives me a knowing smile
the taxi driver asks me a price
and follows me to my door

and i break
apart

piece by piece



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nothing to be alarmed about. i work through things by writing about them, and sometimes it takes a while for things to work their way out of deep dark places and get processed to the point when they can come out. and i think putting some of the details down outside of me will put the experiences behind me. perhaps my processing issues are why i have problems with relationships to begin with...

in other news, went out with the girls and had a great time. i have missed the honest company of women all these years. everyday i learn more about my capacity to love my friends.

also 3 months vegan and going strong. do i miss things? yeah. do i regret it? hell no!



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