so most people don't get around to these till about midnight or morning of the new year; usually my personal version is on a table with a mostly (and recently) empty bottle of vodka declaring myself inhuman and lesbian. it never sticks. that being given, at least i never waste my time with other useless pursuits. i will be just as flawed today as tomorrow.

at this point i am faced with the cold hard truth that (yet more)change is necessary. exactly what that change is or how it can be enforced, i am at a loss. but i have the inescapable feeling of being on the outside of events in life instead of inside of them. and i realize i have quite effectively and almost unkowingly buried myself, far beyond the reach of even my self. i feel like a pathetic excuse for a human being who has wants and needs and boundless experiences to share, and yet cannot wake the fuck up and engage...

so what to do? i am aware, but am i able to shake my gutlesness and put my demons to sleep? i am driving myself insane, and i know it. but i don't quite know how to stop. and one garguantic and evil bastard has just been woken and prowls me now. he stinks of fear. i am afraid of everything.

couldn't you tell? my poetry is all about running away...

on the plus side, i finally grew a backbone and told my ex to leave me be. it had simply become obvious he enjoyed baiting me to upset me. it fed his stinking ego. every conversation with him put me back in that bed on that night. no thank you. i am allowing myself to move on.

and i let someone in just a little bit. just a little at a time: i have fragile innards...

[link]

scott has made something beautiful and he allowed me to be part of it, and i will be forever grateful: [link]
one small step at a time...

[link]

i have been numb and without thought
for fear of thoughts progression
for defences of ancient
for no harm can come to void
no one can reach the endless nothingness
that is so hard to climb from
and so difficult to speak from
and be human
and be worthy
of you