i sit in his car
after traveling what has felt like an eternity
to see him
because he will no longer come to me
and i feel him moving away from me
at an infinite pace
over an event horizon
that i no longer want to see
that i have no hope of reaching

and it twists him into an ugly creature
as the she-demon sits at his ear
and makes him betray me

o you do not know
how much you broke me that night
that you wouldn't even fight for me
that i wasn't worth it
it would be better if you had come to me with her
to spit on your whore
and asking me not to hear those words
is beyond my broken heart's ability

i gave you what was left
in that broken badly healed jar
i gave what i could
in the time you wouldn't allow me
and you poured that precious trust
upon the desert earth
and left it to dry out
now only dust remains

i'll bet that banshee woman
basks in her triumph
as you are glad to see me admit
my helpless failure
my absolute loss
and not once do you ask me to stay
how convenient
i'll bet she glows

how am i supposed to win
a battle of wills
based on dishonorable weaponry?
i knew i would fall
a victim to you both

i escape into the night
to arms that will hold me
that hope i will rid you from myself
as you give your parting shot
your virtuous disclaimer

"i will miss us"

you never gave us a chance



[link]



i've had a bad week. i hate being such a good predictor of the future, and having to watch things fall apart in exactly the manner i had feared. i feel like all i ever do is put myself back together, and at this rate i will soon run out of pieces.

if it weren't for the people i have recently met and embraced wholeheartedly, i would be utterly lost. but i am blessed to have arms to hold me and comfort me and yes, sometimes bind me to my utter delight. and friends are more valuable than all the gold in the world.

however i am watching one such friend being trapped by a monster of my own past, and i am powerless to prevent it... how can i utter what will only ever sound like scorn, like jealousy? must i really hold my tongue, and simply wait for another jar to be broken?

my sister is ill, and i don't know what's wrong. it's thrown me completely off... i can only deal with so much at one time, and the truth of it is, she is more important to me than any of these personal horrors. i am so concerned i could literally fly to cape town on the back of my anxiety.

and i am so furiously angry that something good has fallen apart to a selfish woman who would resort to emotional blackmail to get her way, that not even my loyalty and love was enough to protect the person i cared about from it. that he betrayed me for her. i could spit. i hope for her sake she never comes anywhere near me.