i have been on hiatus. but there is so much to write of. i fear i will be too graphic, too descriptive and confronting. that perhaps i will disgust you. but that doesn't matter quite as much anymore, does it? i will resume. but i warn that it will be an overwhelming experience for us both. my world has become one of extremes. a balance of extremes. they tear apart and reform my mind, so i can only imagine the damage they may do you. i apologize in advance, once and only now. but it must be put outside of myself. and this journal has always been the wastelands of my need to scream, to cry, to moan with pleasure. you may not want to hear it.

i am tiptoeing along a wire. razor sharp. no net to catch me. i do not know what i am walking towards, only that i had to let go and step out into the thin air... o i could be walking towards an ecstasy... or a trap. the only way to know is to reach the other side. my will, and my nerve, are taunt... shrieking with fear of the unknown.

i am finally putting my trust, my body, my life, into the hands of another. whether this is because it is right, or because i need to, is something i am yet to find out. i follow instinct that does not always serve me well. but i find i need to follow it, need to allow myself to live pleasure and pain. need to risk everything. need to find balance. need to step out of my safe lonely isolation. i am terrified, and yet cannot help but indulge.

my journey may take me to a peak, or dash me upon the unforgiving chasm. but i must make this journey. i am prepared for anything.

the sun is finally peaking through my window and warming my bed where my cat stretches and tries to absorb as much warmth as she can before it is sucked through the floorboards into the night. i hope it touches you too, where you are. such a simple and welcomed pleasure. i wish i could fly north with the birds during winter, be migratory and always warm.

between all mountains are valleys. and all crows under heaven are black.